5 Hours, 24 Minutes
by UnmovingGreatLibrary
Summary: Once every decade, Sakuya gets exactly six hours of vacation time on her birthday. Of course, without her around, it doesn't even take *that* long before everything in the Scarlet Devil Mansion starts going to hell...
1. Chapter 1

"Sakuya, I..."

Remilia was cut off as the clock struck 6 PM, and time ground to a halt under Sakuya's control. According to a decades-old agreement, she was now off work for the next six hours, until midnight. But before she left, she still needed to wrap up a few small things.

First, her letters to Remilia and Patchouli. She took out a few pieces of paper from her desk and wrote out the instructions for anything that they might need while she was gone, then tucked them into her pocket.

Next, she walked the halls of the mansion, lighting and replacing candles where necessary.

Patchouli would want coffee while she was out, of course, so she prepared a pitcher of cold-brew and left it in the pantry. With a light tap, she accelerated it forward in time, so that the half-day of brewing it needed would pass in about five minutes. While she was in the kitchen anyway, she cut off a slice of cake for Flandre's dinner and left it on its own saucer in the icebox.

She stopped by the library, but Patchouli was sleeping. There wasn't any pressing reason to wake her, so Sakuya slipped her letter into the book in front of the magician and let herself back out.

And then, finally, she returned to her room to change into her new outfit. It was a very nice dress, she liked to think. She'd been sewing it in her free time for the past... three or four days, or six weeks, depending on whose temporal perspective you looked at it from. After she folded her maid uniform and put it away, she allowed the flow of time to resume. Remilia continued a sentence she'd started almost an hour earlier, to Sakuya's subjective experience.

"—don't think it is _reasonable_ of you to expect _me_, a descendant of _Vlad Tepes_ to pour my own tea, and...!" The vampire trailed off, as before her eyes, Sakuya seemed to change her outfit. "What have I told you about stopping time in my presence?"

The clock chimed the final tone for the turn of the hour, and Sakuya smiled. "My apologies, Lady Remilia. I was just taking care of a few last-minute chores. It's time for me to leave, but I've prepared a note to walk you through any of my duties that you might need while I'm out."

Remilia crossed her arms and ignored the offered note. "If you intend to go through with this foolishness, then go."

"... I will leave it on your desk, then." With a curtsey, Sakuya excused herself from the conversation, and with respect for Remilia's wishes, waited until she was out of view to stop time. After a quick detour to drop the letter of on Remilia's desk, she was out the door...

... and time resumed. She wouldn't pause it again until her night off was over. Now unfrozen, the door swung shut behind her, and a soft spring breeze blew as she walked down the path toward the front gate.

Meiling was standing guard as usual, but facing outward from the mansion, Sakuya was almost to the gate before the guard turned around to look at her over her shoulder. "Ah! Good afternoon." A look of surprise crossed her face when she saw Sakuya's outfit, but was quickly replaced by a smile. "Has it really been another ten years already?"

"It has, yes," Sakuya said with a smile.

"Wow. Time flies, huh?" Meiling chuckled as she pulled the gate open. "Pun not intended, I mean. What number's this one?"

"A hundred and fifty."

"... is that a lot for a human?"

"It is, yes."

"Ahh. Well, happy birthday!"

"Thank you, Meiling. I'll see you at midnight."

It was a long walk from the Scarlet Devil Mansion to the human village, but Sakuya was in no rush. For the next six hours, for the first time since her 140th birthday, she had absolutely no obligations... not even ones that could be delayed indefinitely with time manipulation.

The roads between the Scarlet Devil Mansion and the human village were little more than dirt paths worn into the ground. There weren't many humans willing to venture out this way, and the mansion's denizens were usually more likely to fly than walk. It was a relaxing route, though, a downhill path winding to the village through outcroppings of forest and lit by the setting sun, and Sakuya took her time and enjoyed herself.

* * *

**6:46 PM – ****4 hours, 38 minutes ****until the explosion**  
Soon, though, she was passing through the outskirts of the human village. The humans did like to huddle together out of fear of youkai attacks, but she had noticed the village spreading outward over the past few years, emboldened by the recent peace.

Already, she could feel curious eyes following her down the path. It wasn't surprising. Not many of the villagers had silver hair. Even though human fashion in the village had started to diversify a little, influenced by youkai trends, her Western-styled dress still left her looking a little out of place. And... practically everybody in Gensokyo knew who employed her by now. Already, she'd heard the word "vampire" whispered several times.

This was nothing new. The one constant in Sakuya's life, ever since she was very young, was that she'd never fit in with normal humans. Even here in Gensokyo, that was slow to change. Usually, Sakuya just did her best to ignore it. She would come into the village only to buy what the mansion couldn't grow or make itself—and between Patchouli and herself, that wasn't much—and only said what she needed to for her shopping.

Today, though, she wasn't on the mansion's time. Sewing the dress had used up most of her personal supplies, so she stopped in at the tailor and bought a bolt of fabric. Unlike when she was on official business for the mansion, she took her time today, lingering in the store and taking her time to consider everything that caught her eye. After a little consideration, she added a few buttons, a length of lace trimming, and a spool of ribbon to her order, paid for it, and stepped out onto the street.

* * *

**7:48 PM – 3 hours, 36 minutes ****until the explosion**  
Marisa was still young, but in her time, she'd seen some weird, unnatural things. She'd seen the barrier between the world and the living and the one of the dead weakened. She'd seen Taoists rise from their centuries-old tombs. She'd seen a fake moon, and a flying boat, and an underground sun. But this... this was easily one of the weirdest ones.

Below her rooftop vantage point, seated at an outdoor restaurant table along the street, was Sakuya. Only, she was wearing clothes. _Normal_ clothes: A simple black dress with white gloves, and no headpiece or apron in sight. In all of the years since the Scarlet Mist Incident, nobody had ever seen her wear anything but her maid uniform. Nor had they seen ever seen her eat, outside of the occasional cup of sake or wine, let alone eat at a restaurant. If it weren't for the unmistakable silver hair, Marisa would think she was looking at a total stranger.

Next to her, Reimu crawled a little higher on the rooftop and craned for a view. Marisa just shook her head in disbelief. "Aya was _right_."

"This sort of feels wrong, doesn't it? Like it's the kind of thing you're not supposed to see?"

"Like the first time you're in somebody's bedroom or whatever, and you see all the stuff they usually keep private?"

"... just how many bedrooms have you been in?"

Below, Sakuya was finishing up her dinner, with her teacup in hand. She didn't seem to move at all, but Marisa's response to that question was still cut short when a knife slammed into the roof in between the pair. It was a cheap one, iron with a wooden handle—probably from the restaurant below, rather than Sakuya's private stock of silver daggers. There was a folded napkin tied around the handle.

Marisa stared at the dagger while she waited for her heart to slow down, then reached over and carefully unwrapped the napkin. On it, in neat handwriting, was a single sentence: _I __can__ see you, you know._

"Ehe. Um." Marisa grabbed the knife and tugged it out of the roof. "Let's... let's go say hi."

* * *

**7:51 PM – 3 hours, 33minutes ****until the explosion**  
Sakuya was still calmly sipping tea when the two approached. The entire situation felt strange to Marisa. Sakuya obviously knew they were coming. _They_ knew that Sakuya knew they were coming. But out of some unspoken agreement, all three just pretended that it was a chance meeting, and that Reimu and Marisa had just been out for a stroll when they bumped into the maid.

"S-so, um! Heya!"

When the two approached, Sakuya was watching the first few stars of the evening, and didn't seem inclined to look away. She took a sip of her tea before answering, "Good evening."

As casually as she could, Marisa sat the knife back on the edge of the table, and the three sat in awkward silence until Reimu said, "How are things...?"

"They're fine." Sakuya finally looked away from the stars to give the pair a knowing smile. "Is something wrong? You seem nervous."

"Well, it's just..."

"You didn't get fired or something, did ya?"

The blurted question made Reimu scowl at Marisa, but if Sakuya was offended, she didn't show it. "No, I just have tonight off."

"Huh. I didn't know that was a thing."

"It is." Sakuya maintained that unbreakable calm, and Marisa felt even more like she was seeing something she wasn't supposed to. Sakuya smiling was... rare. Like drinking, it was something Marisa only ever saw her do once or twice a year, when watching cherry blossoms or doting on Remilia. Seeing her sitting here, sipping tea at a restaurant and smiling at little day-to-day things like anybody else... it made Marisa uncomfortable on a level she couldn't quite explain.

An uncomfortable silence fell over the small group, and Marisa had no idea how to break it. She didn't really know what Sakuya did for fun. She actually, she suddenly realized, had never talked about anything but business with Sakuya. And 'business' in this case usually referred to mid-battle banter, or the occasional discussion of whatever pointless request Remilia had sent the maid on today. Given the circumstances, she'd just have to do the best that she could. "Having fun?"

"It's pleasant enough, yes."

"Well, uh, good." Marisa was suddenly aware that she and Reimu hadn't been the only gawkers. She caught a glimpse of Keine watching the trio warily from across the street, and she was pretty certain that the shimmering patch she'd noticed on a rooftop was the Three Fairies of Light. She had to hand it to Aya: Her newspaper kinda sucked, but she was the fastest gossip in all of Gensokyo.

"You two are welcome to join me if you'd like," Sakuya offered as she folded up her napkin and pushed her plate away. "I think I might go to the bar next."

Reimu shifted her weight uncomfortably. "Well, I don't..."

"The drinks, of course, would be on me."

"... I'm in."

Marisa hesitated. Normally, she'd say yes. Normally she wouldn't even _hesitate_. But this was a special occasion. Sakuya being on vacation meant... no Sakuya in the mansion. Which meant... which meant...

Which meant that it was a great day to be Marisa Kirisame, is what it meant. She fought back a grin as she fished for an excuse. "Uh, actually, y'know? I've got, uh, some magic experiments going on right now. And some... things I was gonna study with Alice, and you _k__now_ how she gets if I stand her up!" Already, she was walking backward, broom in hand.

Sakuya cocked an eyebrow. "Is everything okay?"

"Yep! Yeah, never been better!" Before either of the pair could react further, Marisa was in the air, and soon, out of sight.

* * *

**8:05 - 3 hours, 19 minutes ****until the explosion**  
The Scarlet Devil Mansion was surrounded by multiple layers of defenses. It was on a small hill, higher than most of the surrounding countryside, with no forest for a kilometer or so in any direction, making it easy to see would-be intruders coming. The walls around it were four meters tall at their lowest point, and since half of Gensokyo could fly, Meiling stood guard outside 24 hours a day.

Most people's knowledge of the mansion's defenses stopped there, but Marisa had a... vested interest in them. The mansion only had a handful of windows, and the main door was large enough that anybody entering through it would be spotted instantly. The few windows, including a single skylight over the library, had been heavily warded by Patchouli to raise silent, magical alarms the second they were opened. And then, assuming one crossed the plain without being seen, got past Meiling, flew over the walls, and found a way to sneak into the mansion, they still had to deal with the last, and scariest line of defense: Sakuya. With her time manipulation powers, it was almost impossible to spot her coming, and honestly? Marisa had beaten her in a few duels before, but she preferred to give the maid a very wide berth.

Which was why it was so nice that she was on vacation tonight.

Marisa kept her broom low to the treetops as she crossed over the forest between the human village and the mansion. As soon as it came into view, her broom skidded to a halt, and she rummaged in her many pockets until she found a small telescope. It wasn't too powerful, but it let her see what she needed to: Sure enough, Meiling was patrolling outside the mansion, vigilantly walking through the eastern garden.

Which was why Marisa was going to go west. She tucked the telescope back into her pocket and took off again, flying in a very broad circle with the mansion at the center, just over the horizon. When she was finally to the west of it, she turned and headed straight toward the mansion, skimming mere meters above the ground on her approach. With the mansion itself shielding her from Meiling's view, it was easy to go over the wall and land in the courtyard unseen.

It was a simple enough trick, but surprisingly effective. Really, the mansion was too big to only have a single guard, even one as attentive as Meiling.

Still, for most people, this would be as far as they got. Marisa herself got caught at this stage every now and then, because finding a way into the mansion could be time-consuming, and Meiling did her rounds quickly. Fortunately, this time she was prepared. The many balconies and patios of the mansion had doors, and while most of those doors had been fitted with locks over the past few years, she'd found one that wasn't on her last visit.

It was all a game. After another few trips, Sakuya or Meiling would figure out which door she was using and fix it, and Marisa would have to find another unlocked door, or a window that Patchouli hadn't warded, or a path down through the mansion's bell tower. For now, though, the doorknob turned under her hand, and Marisa stepped into the cool darkness of the Scarlet Devil Mansion.

* * *

**9 PM - 2 hours 24 minutes ****until the explosion**  
After spending the better part of an hour exploring, Marisa had only seen a fraction of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, but she'd gotten a good idea of what it hid within. The Scarlet Devil Mansion, the accursed abode of a vampire, an ancient manor from the mysterious Outside World, was full of... parlors. Lots of parlors. In her exploration, she'd found eight of them so far, along with two bars, two guest bedrooms, an entire wing of servants' quarters, a solarium, three empty wardrobes, and a mezzanine.

These were not the sorts of ancient secrets she'd been hoping for. So far, her grand findings for this trip were two bottles of mystery liquor she'd swiped from a surprisingly well-stocked bar. But it made sense, she supposed. She knew where Patchouli, Remilia, and Flandre lived, and had her suspicions about Sakuya, and none of them were close to the area where she'd made her break-in. This was probably not the most highly-trafficked end of the mansion.

The interesting stuff, obviously, was closer to the main living quarters or hidden in the basement. A minor setback. She'd just head downstairs, strike out for a different area of the labyrinthine mansion, and...

Before Marisa could do any of that, the sound of approaching voices came down the corridor. Her well-honed instincts kicked in, and without even thinking, she ducked into a nearby doorway and out of sight.

"When's dinner?"  
"I dunno, an hour or so! If you keep whining so much, I'm gonna eat your portion!"  
"No faaaaair."  
"Oh! Um. Waitwaitwait, I want to clean this thing!"

Oh. Fairy maids. Marisa peeked around the corner, and sure enough, there they were. A snow fairy, a wind fairy, and a flower fairy, all in maid outfits. The flower fairy was facing a sconce on the wall, and lifted a feather duster to give it a smack. If you squinted, it _almost_ looked like cleaning. "There!"

"Suckup."  
"Y-you're just mad because Ms. Sakuya likes me best!"  
"She does not!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Marisa stepped out of her hiding spot, arms crossed over her chest as she looked at the three. They stared back, surprised. "Since when do you guys clean?" Sure, she'd lost her hiding spot, but seeing a fairy doing something like work was novel enough to be worth it.

"Y-you're not supposed to be here!" the snow fairy said accusingly.

Marisa just shrugged. "Yeah, well. ... really, though, what's the deal?"

"We all clean!" the snow fairy sounded offended now. "But... mostly Petal does, because she's a suckup."  
"A-am not!"  
"Are too!"  
"Am _not_!"  
"Are _t_—"

"Huh, I figured you'd do even less than normal, now that Sakuya's not around."

The fairy argument stopped mid-syllable, and they all turned to look at Marisa again, stunned. "Ms. Sakuya's... not here?"

"Yeah. I mean, like you said. I'm not supposed to be here."

"The head maid's not here." It was the wind fairy this time. Judging by the cautious way she mumbled the words, and the mix of awe and terror with which the other two looked at her, this was nearly blasphemous.

"That's what I said."

All three fairies glanced around uncertainly, then one lifted her feather duster and dropped it to the floor. It landed with an almost inaudible tap, but all three flinched and anxiously looked around. When nothing came, one of them repeated, a little more confidently, "Th-the head maid's not here..."

The wind fairy hovered up to pull the glass globe of the sconce from the wall, then hurled it to the floor with both hands. It shattered, and still, nothing happened. "Th-the head maid's not here!"

The flower fairy—Petal—shifted her weight uncomfortably. "We really shouldn't make a mess, though..."

But the others weren't listening.

"The head maid's not here!"  
"THE HEAD MAID'S NOT HERE!" The wind fairy ripped a curtain from one of the permanently-closed windows, draped it over her shoulders like a cape, and took off running down the hall. The other followed behind her, waving her feather duster in the air and leaving a dust cloud behind her.

"... huh." Marisa scratched her head and watched the retreating forms of the fairies, while Petal just glared up at her.

* * *

**9:10 - 2 hours, 14 minutes ****until the explosion**  
Once she disengaged herself from the wounded-acting fairy, Marisa decided to stop by the library before striking out for unknown territory. It was a short walk away to the main door... which was a bit of an experience. The massive door was usually propped open when she visited as a guest, and when she _wasn't_ a welcome guest, it wasn't really her preferred entrance route. She had to brace her feet against the floor and tug with both hands, but it begrudgingly swung open, releasing the musty smell of books.

The library was as timeless and unchanging as ever. Bookshelves covered the tall walls, and even more books sat in tidy piles in accordance with sorting rubrics that only the residents understood. Koakuma was nowhere to be seen, and at the single desk in the center of the room, lit by a shaft of moonlight from the single window overhead, sat Patchouli.

Patchouli, sleeping with one cheek smushed against the table and her arms hanging limply by her side.

Marisa had actually sort of intended this detour to be a social visit, but it looked like that wasn't happening. She crossed her arms in the doorway and considered this. She didn't want to get _too_ distracted with books—that, she could do another time—but... might as well make the best of things.

She took a seat at the desk, across from Patchouli. The smell of warm coffee still drifted from the cup in front of her, and Marisa grabbed it without a second thought. Coffee wasn't really her thing, but she'd visited the Scarlet Devil Mansion often enough to know that anything edible that wasn't red would be delicious. She sipped it with one hand, while she leafed through the book in front of the librarian with the other. Something about crystals, something something, blah blah blah... it wouldn't be her first choice under most circumstances, but it seemed pretty good for a freebie. Once the coffee was gone, Marisa stretched, then raised the book to Patchouli in a silent farewell and pocketed it.

Right. Time to get to exploring.


	2. Chapter 2

**9:15 - 2 hours, 9 minutes ****until the explosion**  
The door swung shut behind Marisa, and closed with a loud thump. Patchouli jolted awake, with her face pressed against the table.

This part, at least, was normal.

She blindly groped for her coffee cup, and lifting it up, she found it empty.

This part was not normal.

Patchouli sat up and, after straightening her hat, looked around. A few slanted beams of moonlight from above illuminated motes of dust in the air. It was either very early in the morning or very late in the evening, and she couldn't be sure which.

But never, in all of her years spent in the mansion, had Patchouli's coffee mug been empty when she was studying. It went beyond an unspoken agreement between herself and Sakuya: It was basically a law of _nature_. To find it empty, was... it was simply unthinkable, that's what it was.

"Ko..." Patchouli coughed. Her throat was dry. This was what happened when her mug was empty, dammit. She cleared her throat and tried again. "Koakuma!"

"Coming!" The voice came from deep, deep in the stacks. When the tiny demon finally arrived, the shout was still echoing through the cavernous library. She landed alongside the magician and bowed. "What do you need, Lady Patchouli?"

"Sakuya. Has she been in here recently?"

"Um. No, I don't think so."

One of the (many) benefits of having a maid who could stop time was that Sakuya had usually been _everywhere_ recently, to everybody else's perception. Patchouli had done the math once, estimating the maid's walking and cleaning rates, timing the frequency of her visits to refill drinks, and comparing the rate of dust accumulation against the average depth of dust on the shelves. Her results suggested that Sakuya experienced five or six subjective days, at least, for every one that actually passed.

It certainly raised some interesting questions, but right now, the pressing one was why her mug was empty.

"Right." With a bit of a grumble, Patchouli pushed herself to standing. "I'm going to get coffee."

* * *

**9:20 - 2 hours, 4 minutes ****until the explosion**  
Patchouli hadn't set foot outside of the library in... two or three weeks, something like that, but it was still immediately clear that something was wrong in the rest of the mansion. Some of the candles had been snuffed out, leaving deep shadows across the hallway. The fairy maids, normally lazy under the best of circumstances, were slacking off even more pointedly than usual. Two of them were fencing in the hall with feather dusters, and Patchouli gave them a wide berth. When a different crowd of fairies ran past, apparently playing tag, she grabbed one of them by the wing. The fairy skidded to a stop with a squeak.

"Do you know where Sakuya is?"

"Ummmmmm." The fairy looked around the immediate area, then shrugged. "She left!"

"Do you know where she went?"

"Nope."

"The head maid is gone!" A passing fairy maid, with a saucepan on her head like a helmet, added loudly.

"... thank you." Patchouli released the fairy, who, after a slightly confused look, ran off just in time to avoid getting tagged. The fairy was probably telling the truth, she decided. Most of them were a bit more obvious when they lied, and the ones who lasted for any amount of time were usually terrified enough of Sakuya to keep tabs on the head maid's movements. If the fairy said Sakuya was gone, she was gone, and without leaving a message. Suspicious. Very suspicious.

* * *

**9:35 - 1 hour, 49 minutes ****until the explosion**  
By the time Patchouli arrived in the kitchen, she was out of breath. The mansion was _big_, and her asthma didn't make it a pleasant walk. It was the first time she'd been in the room in months, but she had plenty of time to remind herself of the layout while she caught her breath.

Once she could move again, Patchouli opened the pantry and began her hunt. It didn't take long—since she didn't technically _need_ to eat, and the sisters' diet wasn't primarily things one would traditionally call _food_, the house didn't keep a wide variety of food on hand. Soon enough, she found a canister of roasted coffee beans and carried it out into the kitchen.

Coffee. Right. Coffee. Patchouli had made coffee before, but it had been a few decades. She was certain that the library had a book that would tell her everything she needed to know, but this was an emergency. She'd just have to figure it out as she went. Besides, she remembered the basics: Grind up beans, put in water, boil.

First: Grind the beans. There was a coffee mill on the counter. Measuring a scoop of beans into it was easy enough, but milling it... Patchouli looked around. Darn. No fairy maids for her to commandeer. She'd just have to do it herself.

Patchouli grabbed the handle and started to crank the mill. This was not helping her asthma. Soon enough, she was gripping it with both hands, putting her entire body into each turn of the crank. She had to stop and wheeze a few times after every few cycles, and her face turned red with exertion, but she kept at it until the coffee was ground.

Next: Mix the ground coffee with water. Well. next-ish. First, Patchouli had to lean against the counter and fan herself until she cooled down again. It was another opportunity to figure out how to do this. There was an item on the counter next to the coffee mill, some sort of pitcher that contained a screen on a moveable pole that extended through the lid. A french press, she remembered, from the depths of some book she'd read long ago.

... not that she knew how to use it. It looked like a surprisingly advanced... _apparatus_ for what she had assumed was a fairly simple procedure. Patchouli turned the device over in her hands and inspected it. Analyzed it. The mesh on the end of the pole was fine. A filter.

Ah. She'd separated enough precipitates from alchemical reactions to figure out the rest. The mesh was to strain the solid coffee from the resulting drink. It seemed surprisingly useful. She might have to acquire one for her lab work later.

Right now, though, she still had coffee to make.

Patchouli separated the plunger from the lid and pushed it all the way down into the empty pitcher, then dumped a few scoops of the freshly-powdered coffee in. All that was left was hot water.

She eyed the stove. But, no. Patchouli Knowledge, the Great Unmoving Library, the Girl of Knowledge and Shade, wasn't going to fiddle with some _appliance_ to boil water. Even the lowliest of magicians had to have standards. After filling the pitcher, she gestured at it with both hands. A simple fire spell made a magic circle briefly appear, centered on the pitcher, and a cloud of steam exploded out of the top.

When the steam cleared, it was obvious that about a third of the water had boiled off in an instant, but it would do. Patchouli wasn't sure how long coffee was supposed to steep, so she stared at it impatiently until she felt herself starting to drift back to sleep. Right, however long that had been would have to suffice. She pulled the plunger back up, and the screen dredged most of the coffee powder out of the drink. After dumping the sludge into the trash, Patchouli filled her mug and took a cautious sip.

It was _terrible_.

The coffee was incredibly strong, pitch black and acrid. A fine silt of coffee powder had slipped around the filter, and it stuck to her tongue after she swallowed. But it was still _coffee_.

Even before the caffeine hit her bloodstream, the terrible taste jolted her awake, and as she choked the coffee down, she considered her situation. Before she could come up with a plan of action, she was interrupted by Remilia's voice behind her. "Good evening, Patchy."

Remilia stepped past her and started opening the cupboards one at a time, but Patchouli could tell that something was very wrong. The vampire's hair was sticking out in a frizzy cloud in every direction, and her stockings were uneven, with one pulled all the way up and the other bunched up around a knee. Her hat was on sideways.

Patchouli watched in disbelief as Remilia pulled a teacup out of the cabinet and filled it with water. "Remi. Where is Sakuya?"

"Hmm? Is she gone? I hadn't noticed." Remilia grabbed a canister of loose tea and, after a brief struggle, pried the top off. A cloud of it floated in the air, and the vampire grimaced as she forced herself not to sneeze.

"Koakuma hasn't seen her, and she didn't leave a note. I had no coffee when I woke up." Patchouli said this with all the grave seriousness that it obviously entailed.

"Well, we'll just have to make do, won't we?" Remilia opened a teapot, then carefully tilted the entire canister until a small pile of tea spilled out. About half of it went into the pot, and the rest scattered on the counter. After looking at the thing thoughtfully, she poured the water from her cup into the pot.

This was strange enough for Patchouli to momentarily forget about her emergency. "What are you doing?"

"Making tea, of course. One second, I need a little blood." Remilia descended into the wine cellar. Patchouli took another sip of her coffee. It wasn't so bad, now that she was getting used to the taste. Below, she could hear bottles clanking for a good five or six minutes until Remilia returned, bottle in hand. "Ah, Italian, 1928. A fine year."

"I wouldn't know."

Remilia tilted the bottle back and squinted at the cork plugging its neck. After a firm push of her finger failed to budge it, she started shaking the bottle, to no avail. Patchouli could see that she was going to be waiting a while if she wanted Remilia's full attention, so she just sipped her coffee and watched patiently. Only when Remilia summoned up a spear of scarlet energy in her hand and eyed the bottle did she say, "You need a corkscrew."

"... o-of course I do!" Remilia chuckled weakly and dismissed the bolt of destructive energy. A brief hunt produced one, and she wrestled the bottle again as she tried to drive it in.

"Do you need help? I don't think that you—"

"_No_, Patchy, I'm fine." Remilia finally tugged the cork free with a loud pop, splashing a little blood on the front of her dress. "What could be simpler than making tea?"

_Siiiip._ Patchouli watched over the edge of the mug as Remilia poured a simply startling amount of blood into the teapot. Afterward, she topped it up with water and sat it on the stove, then looked at the thing in obvious confusion. Patchouli took pity on her again. "I can boil it if you'd like."

"Well. If it's not too much trouble."

Still sipping her coffee, Patchouli gestured at the pot with her free hand, sending the mixture of blood, tea, and water instantly boiling. She used a gentler touch than she had with her drink, but steam still blasted out with enough force to rattle the pot.

It was immediately clear from the smell that something was wrong. Even Remilia cringed. After it had had a few seconds to calm down, Remilia tilted the teapot above the cup, but it was a few seconds until anything came out. Whatever it was, it wasn't tea. It was reddish-brown and nearly gelatinous, for one, and strewn with darker clots.

Remilia looked at the drink with growing apprehension, then upended the contents into the sink, filled a different cup with blood straight from the bottle, and took a sip.

"... are you going to tell me where Sakuya is?"

"Hmm?" Patchouli had to hand it to Remilia—she was doing a remarkable job at pretending that the past five minutes hadn't happened. "Oh, Sakuya? She's on vacation tonight."

"I didn't know she got those."

"Apparently I agreed to give her one evening off per decade." Remilia drained the rest of her cup in one go, then slammed it on the countertop. "But I didn't expect her to actually take it!"

"So we are without a maid for a day."

"Yes."

"What about Meiling? I'm sure that she could—"

"No." Remilia had been struggling to hide her frustration earlier, but now a scheming grin returned to her face. "I'll do all of this alone. When she gets back and sees that I can take care of myself just fine, then maybe she'll remember that it's a _privilege_ to be a servant to a noble creature of the night."

Patchouli had heard koans that were easier to wrap her mind around than Remilia's logic, but she knew better than to try talking her friend out of this. ... she also knew better than to be nearby to see the results, especially since Remilia was already eyeing the teapot again. Patchouli managed to bow out of the conversation just as Remilia started rinsing the red goo out of the pot to try again, then shuffled back to the relative safety of the library, with her pitcher of coffee in one hand and mug in the other.

* * *

**9:49 - 1 hour 35 minutes ****until the explosion**  
Remilia was not having a good day. After Sakuya had left, she'd tried to take a nap, but without much luck. Afterward, she'd had to re-dress _herself_, like a commoner, spent an hour trying to keep herself entertained, and now...

... now, on her second attempt, she'd almost made something that could pass as a cup of tea. There was both blood and tea splashed on her shirt, a red-brown smear of the mixture across the countertop, three cups with blood drying on them in the sink, and if she was being honest with herself, it was still nowhere near as good as when Sakuya made it. It was a little... strong. And cautiously light on the blood. And some of it had boiled out of the pot onto the stovetop. But it was still _t__ea_, kind of.

Remilia took a sip of the... beverage... as she triumphantly left the kitchen. She still had over two hours to kill until Sakuya returned, and wasn't sure how to go about it. Honestly, most of her hobbies, such as they were, involved the maid somehow. She could visit Patchouli, but she didn't want to look needy. If she wanted her companionship, the appropriate thing to do would be to send a servant to ask Patchouli to tea, but that obviously wasn't an option now. For multiple reasons.

Remilia strolled as she weighed her options, and barely ten meters out of the kitchen, she tripped over a discarded fairy maid uniform. The vampire stumbled a few steps forward, nearly spilling her tea, and her already-crooked hat slumped down over her eyes. Grumpily, she pushed it back up, then turned around and kicked the uniform against the wall.

_That_ was one thing to consider. She'd been doing her best to ignore the misbehaving fairies, because this was another sort of thing that Sakuya was supposed to deal with, but there was only so much abuse that she could let the mansion's dignity take. So... perhaps it was time to deal with this situation.

Yes. Yes, that was what she would do.

* * *

**9:55 - 1 hour 29 minutes ****until the explosion**  
"You fairies. What are you doing?"

Finding a group of fairies had been easy enough: Just head toward the shrieking and giggling. As soon as she found them, though, it made her even more worried over the state of the mansion. They'd taken up position in one of the laundry rooms, and judging by its state, it wasn't their first stop. A pile of glasses sat next to three bottles of wine in the corner, while one industrious fairy tried to open them. Another fairy was standing on top of a table with a basket full of clean laundry and tossing handfuls at the third, who was using a ladle to try batting them out of the air.

At Remilia's statement, all three paused and looked to the doorway. Judging by the red glow to their cheeks, they'd already managed to split at least one bottle of wine already. "The head maid's gone!" the one on top of the table announced cheerfully, as she pulled a stocking onto her head like a hat.

"Yes, I know. And do you know who I am?"

The three fairies squinted at Remilia. One hiccuped. "Um?"

_These poor, ignorant fairies_, Remilia thought. They simply had no idea who they were dealing with, it was obvious. She grinned smugly, revealing a single blunt fang, and rested a hand on her chest as she spoke. "I am Lady Remilia Scarlet, the head of this household."

Remilia had been expecting that the fairies would quake in terror, or perhaps fall to the ground and start stammering apologies. What she was not expecting was for one of them to smack the other in the shin with a ladle, leading to a loud giggle and the renewed game of... whatever the hell they thought they were doing. The third fairy, after popping the cork from a bottle, thoughtfully said, "Oh, right!"

Remilia watched in outraged disbelief as all three fairies went back to what they'd been doing before. "Do you not know what that means?"

"Ummm..." The fairy in the corner tilted the now-open wine bottle back and took a gulp from it as she considered. "That means you're the lady who drinks all the tea, right?"

She couldn't believe the... the ignorance, the _insolence_ of these fairies. "No, it _means_ that you're supposed to follow my orders."

The two fairies who had been playing with laundry now fell to the floor, with one beating the other over the head with the ladle. The other fairy was now very intent on drinking, and didn't seem to be paying much attention. Remilia's fist clenched. If these fairies didn't recognize her superiority, then...

… then she would _make_ them.

"You are my maids!" A spear of scarlet energy appeared in Remilia's hand. "And if you will not obey, then...!" She hurled the bolt, and it blasted through the air in an instant and impacted the empty wine bottle. The bottle vaporized with a sizzle and a flash of light that filled the room.

_That_ got their attention. All three fairies immediately stopped and stared, wide-eyed, looking from Remilia to the scorch mark where the bottle had been. A stunned silence—and the smell of burnt glass, for that matter—hung in the air for a moment, until one fairy said what was on everybody's mind: "W-whoa! That was cool! Do it again!"

Remilia was momentarily surprised... and then, that confident grin returned to her face. "Ah, did that get your attention?"

The fairy with the drinks quickly emptied the open bottle of wine into the collection of cups, then propped it up for a new target. One of the overfilled cups of wine was pressed into Remilia's hand, and she took a sip as she summoned another spear of destructive energy. "Now, let me show you the power of a true vampire."

As the second bottle exploded, the room filled with applause and raucous cheers. The fairy with the wine was already opening a third bottle.


	3. Chapter 3

**10:29 – 55 minutes**** until the explosion**  
The French press hadn't retained heat for long. More importantly, every time Patchouli reheated the contents, a little more water boiled off, leaving it thicker and even darker. Soon enough, she was left with something that looked like runny mud, and decided that she didn't really _need_ more coffee just yet.

But that wasn't her biggest concern. As she'd settled back into her studies, Patchouli could hear the order of the mansion breaking down beyond the library doors. Literally, she could hear it: Distant shouting and the stomps of running feet. She didn't know what was going on out there, nor did she want to.

Unfortunately, she didn't have that option. Not even an hour after she'd gotten back from the kitchen, she was interrupted. "Yo! Patchy!"

It was Marisa. Although, in an unprecedented novelty, her voice came from the main door to the library. She _never_ entered through there. Patchouli had caught her entering through side entrances, skylights, holes in the mansion's foundation, and windows, but never by simply walking in the front door. It was enough to be suspicious by itself.

"Good evening, Marisa." Patchouli did not turn around. In fact, she did her best to pretend that Marisa wasn't even there. Not that it changed much. A few seconds later, white cloth with pink pinstripes dangled down in front of her face and obscured her vision.

"Are these yours?"

Patchouli leaned back until she could get a clear view. It was as she'd feared: A pair of panties. And yes, they were hers. She reached up and snatched them out of Marisa's hand. "Where did you get those?"

"I found 'em," Marisa said, as she walked around the table to pull out a chair, then sat down, with her legs spread to straddle the back. "I'm even being honest! They were hangin' from a chandelier. Sakuya takes a day off and things really go crazy around here, huh?"

"You know?"

"Yeah, everybody does. Half of Gensokyo's probably talking about it by now! Aya caught her having dinner in the human village. That kinda thing gets around, you know?"

"And why are you _h__ere_?"

"Well, I thought it'd be a good chance to look around some rooms in the mansion I hadn't seen before, stuff like that!"

"By which you mean stealing things."

"I was just lookin' around, honest! I didn't take anything!" Marisa sat upright and raised her arms, letting Patchouli see that she wasn't carrying anything. It was true, she couldn't see anything out of the ordinary.

At least, until a leatherbound book fell out of the magician's shirt, landing on the chair in front of her.

With a scowl, Patchouli reached over the table to grab the book, while Marisa just laughed and rubbed the back of her head, looking like a kid who'd gotten caught with her hand in the cookie jar. "Sorry, I forgot I had that one! It's kinda habit by now."

Patchouli inspected the book. Prologomenon to Observations on the Magical Sciences. She recognized it. She'd been reading it mere hours ago, actually.

... there was a piece of paper sticking out of the top. "Marisa, where did you get this?"

"Huh? Well, it was laying on the table. I was in here earlier, but you were asleep. I didn't wanna wake you up, so..."

But Patchouli wasn't listening. She pulled the slip of paper out of the book and unfolded it.

_Patchouli,_

_I have today off, but I thought it would be appropriate to leave some instructions in case you need anything before I return._

_I left coffee cold-brewing in the pantry. You'll need to mix it with an equal amount of warm water before you drink it. If you run out, you can make more coffee by..._

Patchouli cursed under her breath... then stared at the coffee brewing instructions, memorizing them. Marisa leaned across the table. "Wassat?"

"It's from Sakuya."

"Huh."

Patchouli skimmed the rest of the letter. Instructions for brewing tea, key phrases for threatening the fairy maids into behaving, two simple recipes in case she wanted to eat... she had to grudgingly admit that it was useful.

_I've left a copy of all of this with Lady Remilia, but I doubt she'll read it, so I'd appreciate it if you could check on her. I've also left dinner for Lady Flandre in the icebox. If you can, please try to feed her __by__nine PM__._

Her initial response was to be annoyed that the maid had the temerity to ask her to attend to those things, but she realized what it meant: While Sakuya was gone, she was the most responsible person in the house.

The thought was a little terrifying, honestly.

Patchouli folded the letter, stored it in a pocket, grabbed her mug again, and rose to standing. Marisa watched this sudden outburst of energy curiously. "Where're you going?"

"First, to get coffee. You're coming with me."

* * *

**10:****33**** – 5****1**** minutes ****until the explosion**  
The heavy door of the library creaked shut behind Patchouli, and the magician withdrew a key from the voluminous folds of her robes. The lock sealed itself with a loud clack. Marisa watched this with interest—she'd never seen the doors to the library _locked_, even during incidents. "Being a little paranoid, aren't you?"

"I'm only taking necessary precautions. I don't know what anarchy is spreading through the mansion, but it is not welcome inside the library." Patchouli closed her eyes and mumbled through a complicated-sounding spell; moments later, a bright, jagged rune appeared at the center of each door, then faded away to a dull glow.

"What's that for?"

"Concussive intruder deterrents."

"Uh...?"

"It means that they will explode if the doors are opened," Patchouli explained, even more dryly than usual. "This is the only unguarded portal into the library..." she gave Marisa a meaningful look of warning, "so with this precaution, it should be safe until my return." The magician cast another, less complicated-seeming spell now, and a delicately-lettered sign appeared on the door at eye level: 'The library is temporarily closed. Fairies and intruders are not welcome!'

"Harsh."

"Says an intruder."

Patchouli set off for the kitchen, and seeing the state of the rest of the mansion quickly reassured her that she'd made the right choice in sealing the library. Beyond its walls, the mansion was now a war zone. The fairies, now fully aware that Sakuya was gone, had lost all inhibitions. Three of them ran past, wearing flower pots on their heads, and Patchouli kept walking. A pile of carrots, fresh-picked from the garden judging by the dirt still clinging to them, sat abandoned in the corner, and Patchouli kept walking. Half of a hallway was coated in ice, and Patchouli kept walking... carefully. At least now she fully understood the conditions that had led to a pair of her panties hanging from a chandelier.

When the pair were close to the main entrance to the mansion, Patchouli stopped. "Do you want to leave voluntarily, or do I have to throw you out?"

"Aww, Patchy, you're no fun..."

The librarian turned toward Marisa and crossed her arms sternly. "There are other things that require my attention tonight, and I'd rather not worry about what you're up to the whole time. So, I'm offering you a compromise. If you leave now, I won't search you to find out what else you've stolen. If you do not agree to leave... we will see if the spellcard system is favoring you tonight."

Marisa pursed her lips and scratched the back of her head. "_And_ you won't tell Sakuya I was here."

"... agreed."

"Hehe. You're not half-bad sometimes, Patchy."

Patchouli wasn't about to let herself be distracted by idle flattery. She gestured toward the door. "Good night, Marisa."

"Right, right." The witch adjusted her hat, then took a step toward the door and waved to Patchouli over her back. "'night, Patchy. See ya soon."

"I would hope not."

* * *

**10:42 – 42 minutes ****until the explosion**  
"Fufufufu... you think that you can stand against the Scarlet Devil?"

"Yuh-huh!"

"Then come!" Remilia sunk down to a combat-ready posture, and wobbled a little in the process. Perhaps she shouldn't have had that last drink. "Come to your doom!"

The fairy maid across from her gave a shrill battle cry, then took a deep breath, spread her fingers, and started the opening phases of a spellcard. Curving lines of green energy snaked out of her hands and crept toward Remilia in a tangled mess. "M-mistletoe Sign: Strangling Roots!"

The creeping tendrils of energy were hard to predict, but really. Remilia had dueled with the Hakurei shrine maiden several times, and sparred with Patchouli on a weekly basis to keep herself sharp. A card such as this, put together by a mere forest fairy... it was child's play. She barely had to sidestep to dodge the single tendril that was near her, then raised her hand for a counterattack. "Midnight Curse: Fang of the Vampire." Spears of scarlet energy stabbed forward, backed up by waves of bullets, curving beams of destruction, and... well, usually she added orbs of darkness to this spellcard, but before she reached that point, the overwhelmed fairy cowered to the ground in front of the onslaught. A single lance of energy speared into her chest and knocked her over with the force of a firm shove.

A cheer went up from the crowd of fairy onlookers, who were already crowding in as the wall of bullets disappeared.

"Wow! Lady Remilia really is amazing!"  
"Do it again! Do it again!"

One of the fairies pressed a glass of wine into Remilia's hand. She took a large sip from it, then smirked at the group. "Yes, was there ever any doubt?" This wasn't the first drink she'd earned since the night's activities had somehow turned to competitive spellcard battles. She wasn't quite sure which number this was, but it had been quite a few. Past the point where Sakuya usually suggested, in her infinitely deferent and calm tone, that perhaps she should stop for the night.

But tonight! Tonight, Remilia was without a maid. She was learning to enjoy it. And these fairies! So easily impressed, so willing to go along with anything that sounded entertaining... she was enjoying the night despite herself, and all thoughts of chastising the disobedient maids had vanished.

Remilia swirled the last few sips of wine in her glass as she looked out over the adoring crowd. "Now then, who will be the next to test her might against me?"

The fairies glanced between themselves, and a murmur ran through the crowd. Most of the more eager participants had already been defeated, and no volunteers were stepping forward... until one of them piped, "Oh! Oh! She should fight the witch!"

"Oh! Yeah! That'd be neat!"

"... the witch?" Remilia frowned now, and looked critically at the crowd of fairies. "Who is the witch?"

"Um, she's got a big hat!"  
"It's pointy!"  
"I, um..." a shorter, pink-haired fairy mumbled. "I saw her upstairs earlier..." She was one of the few fairies still wearing her uniform, and clenched the lower hem of the apron anxiously as she spoke. "I-I think she comes here a lot?"

The other fairies chorused agreement, with a dozen immediately joining in with their sightings.  
"I saw her downstairs!"  
"... carried away a painting...!"  
"... is in the armory...!"

Remilia had heard _that_ description often enough to know who they were talking about. "So, the witch thinks that she can thieve from me, does she? … yes, I think that is what we will do." She drained the last of the wine from her glass, then tossed it away and pointed a finger into the air. "Come, my maids! We will find this intruder, and you will get to see the true might of the Scarlet Devil!"

* * *

**10:52 – 32 minutes ****until the explosion**  
Marisa's exploration had paid off. Marisa's exploration had paid off in _droves_. Heading downstairs had been the right choice. She'd found a wine cellar (full of drunken fairies already), a long-disused dungeon full of interestingly spiky things, an entire armory, and much, much more. Her curiosity was satisfied for the moment, and her pockets... well, she'd taken a few odds and ends that nobody would miss. Okay, and one flail. And that book Patchouli had just confiscated.

There were a lot of things that warranted further exploration, but for once, tonight, her curiosity was satiated. So, as the door to the mansion thudded shut behind her, her first impulse was to actually go home. But...

Marisa pulled out a pocket watch and checked the time. 10:52 PM. That still gave her an hour until Sakuya returned, and she wasn't going to get an opportunity like this again for... well, for a long time. And Patchouli had sealed the library, but she'd also said that she was going to be doing other things. If Marisa was quick, she might be able to get through the skylight. It was probably still rigged to raise an alarm, but it would give her enough time to snatch a book or two and get back out of the library before Patchouli returned...

If Marisa had ever heard a good plan, that was definitely it. Her mind made up, she settled onto her broomstick and set off toward the rooftop of the library.

* * *

**11:00 – 24 minutes ****until the explosion**  
When Patchouli entered the kitchen, two fairies were crawling around inside the cupboards. As soon as they heard footsteps, they squeaked in surprise and, in a clatter of pots and pans, dashed out the door. Patchouli paid this no mind, and stepped into the pantry. It had obviously been raided, and almost everything that looked sweet or messy had been stolen or spilled, but most of the rest was still untouched. Among this, true to Sakuya's word, was a small pitcher of coffee. Patchouli crossed a treacherous pile of spilled rice to get to it, then carried it back into the kitchen.

True to Sakuya's word, mixing the concentrated coffee with hot water gave her a cup of smooth coffee. Wonderful, non-burnt, grit-free, _normal_ coffee. She considered her next stop as she savored it.

Flandre was two hours overdue for a meal now, so that would have to be her first stop. She checked the icebox for the food that Sakuya's letter had mentioned. The icebox, too, had been raided by fairies, and almost everything was gone... except for a single piece of cake. It looked quite tasty, yellow cake with gooey red icing between the layers and a thin coating of marzipan over the top. Apparently a fairy had agreed, because there was a single bite missing.

But just one. The red icing, Patchouli suspected, didn't taste very good to anybody who wasn't a vampire.

Plate in hand, she shuffled down the hall, having to sidestep the occasional fairy duel or game of tag. This was really starting to get in the way of her studies. She had been planning to finish reading the Prologomenon tonight and, after incorporating its advice into her procedures, run several experiments concerning the magically-induced growth of crystals. But obviously those plans would have to wait until another night. If she weren't practically immortal, this sort of squandering of her time would be intolerable. As it was, it was just annoying.

As Patchouli descended, she noticed that the lower floors were in as good of a condition as ever. Apparently even the fairy maids had been cautious enough to avoid the levels of the mansion leading down to Flandre's basement bedroom. Compared to the clamor that was going on in the rest of the mansion, it left the basement eerily quiet.

Closer to her destination, the silence was pierced by a single cry of "Whooooooosh!", followed by high-pitched giggling. Before she could make any sense of this, a red, white, and green blur came barreling around the corner, and Patchouli instinctively raised her free hand to conjure a shimmering magical barrier in front of herself. At the very last second, she got a look at her aggressor: Meiling, giving Flandre a piggyback ride. Before she could even process this information, the two thumped against the impenetrable barrier, then fell to the ground, with a thud and the jangle of crystalline wings.

Meiling took the brunt of the impact, and was left sprawled on the floor and dazed. Flandre was half-buried under her, but in a much better condition. "P-patchy, that was mean!"

"I'm sorry," Patchouli said, as dryly as ever. With a wave of her hand, she banished the barrier. "You took me by surprise."

"... ah! Cake!" As soon as Flandre spotted it, she started squirming out from beneath Meiling, while the stunned gatekeeper slowly recovered and sat upright, holding her head.

"Hello, Meiling."

"Nnh... hello, Lady Patchouli."

Flandre tugged the saucer of cake out of Patchouli's hands, flopped down against the wall, and started eating. Meiling brushed herself off, then smiled at this. "That was nice of you."

"It was nice of _you_ to play with Flandre instead of doing your job. Marisa was in the library earlier."

"Eh-heh. Sorry. I was afraid that she might be in here, but then the maids started acting up and I decided to take a look. I could hear them all the way from the gate. It seems like they won't listen to anybody but Sakuya, though... And then I realized that Lady Flandre was probably lonely, and..."

Patchouli frowned thoughtfully. The maids probably _were_ probably a bigger threat to the mansion's well-being than intruders, at least right now... particularly now that Marisa had been driven off. She pulled the letter out of her pocket, carefully ripped out the section containing Sakuya's tips for dealing with fairy maids, and offered it over. "Here."

"Huh? What's this...?" Meiling turned the paper around to read it, then perked up. "Oh! Useful."

"I will see to it that Flandre gets back to her room."

Meiling thankfully took the hint. She crouched down and ruffled Flandre's hair. "It looks like I should get back to work. We'll play again tomorrow, okay?"

"Mmmphmm!" Flandre's mouth was full of cake, with a little crimson icing still smeared on her lips.

"Good!" Meiling straightened up and flexed one arm, grinning. "I'll get the fairy situation straightened out, Lady Patchouli! You can count on me!"

"See that you do." Honestly, Patchouli didn't particularly care. Even if a fairy got past the library's locks, the runes she'd left on the door would make them regret the decision. The rest of the mansion could fend for itself.

The cake was gone, and Flandre now finished licking her fork clean. "Hey, where's Sakuya?" she asked, as if just now realizing that something was out of the ordinary.

"She is on vacation today."

"But it's a Tuesday... I'm supposed to have tea with Remi on Tuesdays."

"She'll be back later."

Flandre scowled. While she seemed to be taking it well, all things considered, Patchouli did notice that Flandre clenched the fork, which sort of... warped and sizzled as raw destructive energy seeped into it. Living in a household with a temperamental engine of destruction had inspired Patchouli to invest in a few contingencies, and she was reasonably certain that she could probably survive if Flandre were to truly bring her full power to bear one day.

She didn't really want to test it, though. For now, it was probably a better idea to mollify her.

"Would you like to go see if she wants tea anyway?"

"Yeah!"

The small vampire was nimble, she had to give her that. Before Patchouli even realized what was happening, Flandre had dropped her saucer, leapt into the air, and settled onto her shoulders. The magician shuddered under the tiny girl's weight, but Flandre didn't seem to notice as she spurred Patchouli's sides with her heels. "Onward!"

"F-flan..." Patchouli could feel her slipper-clad feet slipping beneath her, and she leaned one hand against the wall for support. "Please... p-please g-get off..."

"Huh?" Flandre had been grabbing two bow-wrapped bundles of hair to use as reins, but now bent over to look down at Patchouli's face.

"Please get...!" Patchouli quickly ran through her contingencies for _this_ sort of situation. There were spells that could theoretically bolster her strength enough for this, or spells that would make Flandre as light as air. She hadn't brought the right reagents, though, and it was kind of hard to cast spells when she was struggling to breathe.

Patchouli collapsed to the floor, and Flandre ended up seated on her back. "Aww."

"W-we will... we will walk." After forcing out the handful of words, Patchouli took a deep wheeze. Having her face forced against the dusty floor was aggravating her asthma, and the girl sitting on top of her wasn't exactly helping. "We will _both_ walk."

* * *

After taking a few minutes to recover, Patchouli set off for the upper floors again, with Flandre trailing behind her. It wasn't long before she faced the next obstacle: Rounding a corner, she found herself face-to-face with a barricade: chairs, tables, paintings, and at least one grandfather clock, all piled up almost to the ceiling.

And on top of it: Half a dozen fairy maids, looking _very_ smug.

"Stop! This area is ours now!" The fairy who was speaking was a spring rain fairy, Patchouli noticed. A classic specimen, actually: Serrated blue-white wings, pink hair... she could have come straight out of the diagram labeled 'Fairy, spring rain,' in the 1787 classic A Taxonomy of the Fairies of the Seasons.

Patchouli almost wanted to document such a prime example of the species, but for now, there were more immediate concerns. "What area?"

"This!" The fairy gestured grandiosely, then put her hands on her hips and grinned. "We, the Fairy Maid Coalition, have conquered this mansion and are gonna, um, use it for all of fairy-kind! This is the Great Fairy Mansion now."

"I thought it was the 'Mansion for Great Fairies'?" somebody shouted from behind the barricade.

"_No_, we said it was the Scarlet Fairy Palace!"

"Hey! This mansion belongs to me and my sister!" Flandre took a single stomp forward, sending her wings jingling.

"Fufufufu." The fairy hefted a makeshift scepter—Patchouli was 90% certain it was actually a table leg—and then leveled it at Flandre. "It used to! Now it's ours!"

"W-what makes you think that something like a fairy can stand in front of me! I could destroy you as easy as I blink!"

"The combined might of our fairy sisters will never be defeated!" While the fairy leading the pack seemed convinced, a few of her more experienced allies had started casually scooting away from the barricade.

Patchouli zoned out, and the argument faded into background noise. Again, she'd need a quick resolution if she was going to keep Flandre calm. Or, at least, if she was going to keep the fairies in one piece. So. Today was a Tuesday, which meant fire spells... right. They weren't the solution she would have gone for if she had time to prepare, but they were convenient at the moment.

With a simple wave of her hand, a wave of molten projectiles blasted into the barricade. Patchouli was fair: They were spellcard rules compliant, nonlethal and with enough room to dodge between them. But they were still _fire_, and fairies were... well, _fairies_. The barricade exploded into ash, smoke, and rubble as the projectiles tore through it, and the fairies variously fled or fell to the ground, groaning. Somewhere in the din, she could hear Flandre cackling gleefully.

Once the smoke cleared, Patchouli carefully picked a path through the fallen fairies and rubble, while Flandre made more of a game of it, hopping on one foot, then the other, over the fairies in what looked like some form of hopscotch. Patchouli added another item to her mental checklist: Have Sakuya replace the furniture in this area and send fairy maids to clean up the mess.

The rest of the walk was relatively uneventful. There were still plenty of signs of fairy mischief around, but most of the smarter ones seemed to have heard the explosion and decided that they had better places to be. Just like with Flandre, the fairies and their messes both grew less and less common the closer she got to Remilia's room.

The door to Remilia's bedroom was cracked open, and when the two approached, Flandre took off dashing. "Remiiiiiii!" Patchouli took her time, plodding behind her, but still got a look inside the room after Flandre threw the door open.

It wasn't pretty.

Remilia's coffin, atop her four-poster bed, was still open. The door to the wardrobe was open, with half a dozen garments laying on the floor in front of it. A small pile of books had similarly been strewn around the room. The door to the balcony was open, and the wind had scattered papers on top of all of this.

But Remilia, Remilia was nowhere to be seen. Flandre stood in the middle of the room and looked around in confusion.

It wasn't really _suspicious_, but it did leave Patchouli at a bit of a loss. If Remilia wasn't in her room, and hadn't been in the kitchen, she could be practically anywhere in the massive mansion. Tracking her down could take hours.

And then, half a dozen magical alarms went off, demanding Patchouli's attention from the corners of her awareness. They all screamed the same thing: One of the sealed windows to the library had been opened.

_Marisa_.

"... Flandre, I need to go to the library immediately."

* * *

**11:21 – 3 minutes ****until the explosion**  
With the help of her army of fairies, Remilia had scoured most of the mansion already, and found... nothing. Fairies weren't very good investigators, really. The potential leads that they'd brought back to her included a single carrot, a cup, the fairy's own headdress, and a tapestry that the fairy insisted was suspicious-looking.

She wasn't going to be deterred. After narrowing it down, she'd determined that the intruder could only be one place: the library. The door stood in front of her now, but...

"The... l-library is... tempor... arily c-closed. Fairies... and intruders... are not welcome," the fairy next to her read aloud, helpfully. The fairy's name was Petal, and she'd been very helpful tonight. Remilia was already considering recommending her to Sakuya as a vice head maid... but that could wait for another time. Petal turned to her with a frown. "Um. Maybe she's not here?"

Remilia shook her head with a confident smirk. "No, there's no doubt about it." She took a step forward and pounded on the door. "Marisa! I know that you've been thieving in my mansion! Come out and face me!"

Marisa's voice, from inside the library, sounded almost surprised. "I didn't...! Well, okay, I did, but... that actually wouldn't be a good idea!"

"Hmph. Do you see how frightened she is of me?" Remilia asked the fairies around her. They nodded, totally impressed by this show of confidence, and she tried the doorknob. Locked. "... open this door immediately!"

"Uh, Remilia! I don't think you want that...!"

"I know what I want."

"No, I mean! You really don't wanna come in here!"

"This is my mansion, and I will go where I please!" Remilia raised one hand, and a lance of destructive energy materialized in it. "This is your last chance! Open the door, or I will open it myself!"

* * *

**11:24 – ****Remilia blows everybody up**  
From within the library, Marisa's frantic footsteps could be heard, scrambling farther away from the door. "Oi, just leave the door alone and listen!"

Meiling stepped out of the hall, beaming proudly. She'd finally tracked down the crowd of fairies, and now, it was time to return order to the mansion. "Hey! Come on, we need to get back to work, guys!"

Patchouli, breathless and hauling Flandre behind her, rounded the corner. "R-remi! Please stop and...!"

Flandre waved with her free hand. "Hi, Remi!"

In the very same instant as all of this, Remilia thrust her weapon down. The wood of the library's doors was no match for the terrible energy, and it vaporized in a cloud of smoke, destroying the lock. The doors swung open... and for just a moment, the massive runes engraved on them flared with light.

And then, they exploded, blasting outward with a wave of light and force.


	4. Chapter 4

**11:01 PM – The Indefatigable Liver of Sakuya Izayoi**  
The thing that united Gensokyo, the thing that really tied it together, the thing that made it _w__ork_, Reimu had once philosophized to Marisa after one of the shrine's many drinking parties, was alcohol. Humans and youkai were bitter enemies in the outside world, and even in Gensokyo, there were plenty of old wounds that kept them wary of one another. But everywhere humans and youkai spent time together, there was alcohol to ease things along.

Nowhere was that more obvious than in the human village. By day, only the occasional youkai visited. By night, though, the bars had almost as many youkai as humans, and sometimes Reimu suspected that half of the humans were just tanuki and kitsune in disguise. Tonight, the youkai had turned out even more than normal. At first, it was just the occasional familiar face peeking into see if the rumors about Sakuya taking a break were true, but nothing drew a crowd like a crowd, and soon things had taken on a life of their own.

The bar that Sakuya had chosen was now packed with easily forty guests... tanuki, kitsune, tsukumogami, beast youkai, hermits, and, somewhere in the mess, the handful of humans too reckless to be driven off by all of this. After a couple of hours of drinking, Reimu had retreated to a slightly calmer corner with Sakuya, but the place was still _loud_. In the center, somebody had started an impromptu arm wrestling competition, and it looked like the current match was Shou versus that damn Taoist's jiang shi.

A cheer went up through the crowd as the tiger accidentally tore the zombie's forearm off in her victory, and in the lull that followed, Reimu tried to rekindle the conversation. "So is this..." She gestured broadly at the room around the pair, and accidentally slapped a passing fairy in the face in the process. Reimu continued, undeterred, and the fairy sulked off. "Really what you wanted t'do with your night off? You never really seemed like the... the..." The shrine maiden propped her face up with one elbow and hiccuped. "The drinkin' type to me."

"There's nothing wrong with a drink now and then, but my duties usually require me to be sober."

"Seems like a... a weird... weird... weird..." Reimu trailed off mumbling and took a sip of her drink while she tried to remember how she'd planned to finish that sentence. "... weird _way_ to spend your only day off in. In like forever."

"Perhaps." Sakuya sat back and folded her hands in her lap. She smiled as she looked out over the crowd. "But I can stop time. There's very little that I can't do at the mansion. I can pause time and take an afternoon walk. I could take a break in the middle of making dinner and read half of the world's literature, if I really wanted. ... but leisure time I can share with others, that is rare."

Reimu had been listening as attentively as she could, but now let out a strangled gurgle. "Might throw up."

"If you do, _I'm_ not going to clean it up."

"Mmmdooooon'tcare," Reimu slumped down in her seat and rested her head on the table, smiling blissfully. Another round of shouts rose up from the center of the bar as another arm wrestling match ended, and by the time the noise subsided, her stomach was calm enough to speak again, albeit with her face smushed against the table. "How come you're not drunk? You had 'smuch as me."

As if to taunt her, Sakuya emptied her current glass before replying. To further delay things, a waitress showed up and sat a plate of yakitori in front of her. Even drunk, the sight of the maid being waited on struck her as bizarre. Only after she'd taken her first bite did Sakuya finally respond, "A maid should be elegant at all times."

In her current state, Reimu found the explanation hilarious, and laughed unsteadily as she grabbed one of the skewers from the plate. She waggled it at Sakuya as she spoke. "I 'unno how eleg... gele... lelegant," she tilted the skewer back and plucked a piece of chicken off, then swallowed it before continuing. "Drinkin' with a bunch of youkai is."

"Maybe living in Gensokyo has gotten to me," Sakuya conceded. The two sat in silence for a few minutes, just watching the crowd as the yakitori disappeared slowly, until Sakuya turned back to Reimu. "I need to be back by midnight, so I can't stay much longer, I'm afraid. … will you be okay flying home alone?"

Reimu snickered and stabbed a now-clean skewer into the air. "Isn't any youkai thassgonna... gonna pick a fight with _me_."

"I'd be more worried about flying into a tree..."

"'m fine, I'm fine," Reimu grumbled. She pushed herself up to sitting and did her best to act completely sober. She wobbled a bit too much to sell it, though, and Sakuya did not seem convinced. "... 'f I still don't feel okay before I'm ready to go home, I'll go to Kourindou, okay?"

Sakuya maintained her skeptical look for a moment, then accepted this argument with a slight incline of her head. "Okay. I guess it's no concern of mine if you fly into a tree, anyway." Reimu's head was already resting against the table again, but she could hear the clink of a stack of coins settling down next to her. "That should cover both of our meals."

"Mmhm."

"Thank you for the company tonight. Now then, if you will excuse me." Sakuya dipped a casual bow to Reimu, and with that, turned to pick her way through the crowd and back toward the mansion.

* * *

It was a warm night, and even more than she had on the trip to the village, Sakuya took her time and enjoyed the ambiance. A full moon peeked through the gaps in the trees above, and the distant sound of birdsong made the walk even more pleasant. Sakuya sensed a few youkai peering at her from the underbrush... but this close to home, most of them knew better than to antagonize her.

The first sign that something was out of the ordinary was when she reached the front gate. Meiling wasn't standing guard outside. _Anywhere_ outside, and it was nowhere near her break time. Frowning, Sakuya slipped herself past the gate and made her way inside... and instantly realized that something was very wrong. The great hall looked like half of the mansion's items had been dumped in it. Dozens of articles of clothing were strewn across it. Somebody had splashed chocolate pudding up the wall. A morningstar was embedded in a watermelon in the middle. A pile of curtains sat near the entrance, and as Sakuya passed, it twitched. A fairy maid peeked out and, seeing Sakuya, shrieked and took off running.

In the blink of an eye, Sakuya was behind the fairy and holding the collar of her outfit. The fairy went sprawling to the floor with an 'oof!' and looked up, whimpering. "Th-they said you were gone!"

"I was. I'm back now," Sakuya said levelly as she hauled the fairy up to eye level. "... what happened here?"

"We were havin' fun, and, and..." The fairy trailed off, still sniffling in terror. "Everybody else did it! I didn't do nothin'!"

"I didn't say that you did. Where is everybody?"

"They're all in the library..."

Sakuya nodded and lowered the fairy to the ground. "I'm going to check on them... you get to work cleaning this mess up."

* * *

**12:11 AM – 47 minutes after the explosion**  
The explosion had blasted out enough force to knock everybody to the floor and send drifts of loose paper cascading across the library, but it was ultimately designed to be nonlethal. Remilia and her fairies had ended up in a great pile outside the door, Marisa was sent skidding a dozen meters into the library, Patchouli and Flandre had fallen to the ground... but everybody was alive and in one piece.

Patchouli had tried to tell everybody to go elsewhere, but after the explosion the crowd—two dozen fairies, two vampires, a gatekeeper, and a shamefully unabashed human thief—had been too noisy for her to get anybody's attention. Somehow, they'd settled into Gensokyo's default response to excitement: a drinking party.

All of the tables of the library had been pushed together, and _somebody_ had produced a dozen bottles of liquor from who-knew-where. At first, Patchouli had hurried around, trying to stop the fairies from using ancient tomes for coasters and napkins... but it didn't do much good. Now, at Remilia's insistence, she was seated at her friend's side, sullenly sipping at her own glass of wine.

Two fairies ran by, with one smacking the other over the head with volume 2 of Intermediate Principles of Cleromancy, and Patchouli reached over to yank it out of her hands. This was ridiculous, truly. Even Marisa, who had caused half of this mess, was somehow now seated at the table. As Patchouli watched, Remilia reached across to top off the magician's drink, and the pair settled into their seats, both laughing.

"Remi. Don't you think that this inappropriate behavior will only encourage the fairies in the future?"

"Huh?" Remilia cupped a hand to her ear. Or tried to, at least. In her current mostly-drunken state, she smacked the side of her head once or twice before finding the right spot.

Patchouli sighed. Those closest to the explosion had been left temporarily near-deaf, so the conversation was taking place at volumes usually reserved for screaming matches. It only added to her annoyance. "I SAID THAT THIS BEHAVIOR WILL ONLY ENCOURAGE THE FAIRIES IN THE FUTURE."

"HUH?!" Remilia strained forward, still cupping her hand to her ear.

Before Patchouli could decide whether this conversation was worth continuing, the library's doors swung forward with a loud creak. She was surprised that they could move at all—they were lightly charred, missing a chunk where the lock should be, and hanging crooked. But open they did, revealing Sakuya, now back in her maid uniform.

A combination of cheers and screams of terror went up from the group—the former from Remilia and Flandre, the latter from Marisa, Meiling, and the fairies, as they suddenly decided that they had other places to be. Like hiding behind bookcases or making a break toward the still-open skylight.

Remilia barely waited for the clamor to finish before she raised her glass. "Sakuya. A bottle of the 1923 American for myself and Flandre, and two bottles of the Malvasia Bianca for our guests."

Sakuya didn't miss a beat, but Patchouli still caught the hint of a smile at the corner of her lips. "Of course, Lady Remilia."

As simply as that, Sakuya resumed her duties. Within an hour after the first fairy straggler left the library, the mess from the impromptu party was cleaned up. By the next morning, the hallways were clean, and by the next evening, the doors to the library were replaced by a team of human craftsmen from the village. Barely missing a beat, normal life in the mansion resumed.


End file.
